Broken hearts need to be heard, to be witnessed, to be loved.
Communicating our pain is not an easy thing to do which is one of the reasons our relationships tend to be so challenging. All pain is related to loss of some kind, either tangible or intangible or both; learning to speak authentically of our pain and asking clearly for what we need are both essential elements in the healing process.
We often think we shouldn’t have to say how we’re really feeling, our significant others or family or friends should know! Well, they don’t, nor do they know what to do when it comes to helping us deal with our pain most of the time.
Even though we may be the ones who are in pain it is our responsibility to let the person we would like to communicate with know that what we really need is for them to hear us. They don’t have to fix, analyze or advise us in these moments, they just need to hear us.
When I first let me husband know that was what I needed when I was hurting he responded with, “You mean I don’t have to do anything to fix it? Sure I can do that!” And he could. He was off the hook so he could just be present to me. It was a dynamic shift for the relationship and a huge step forward for me because I had never been a very good communicator when it came to things of the heart. I would dance around what I really wanted to say instead of taking responsibility for my own feelings and it cost me dearly over the years.
I know I’m not alone here either. Too often I’ve heard people say how they’ve moved away from people they cared about because they didn’t feel they could talk about their grief or their pain. I am fully aware that not everyone will be able to hear us even if we ask directly and clearly and that’s ok. When we know that about a person we can accept them and let them be where they are; then we can find that one person or those people who can hear us instead of being angry and resentful and giving up on being able to talk about our pain to anyone.
It isn’t easy at first to break through those barriers but the more we face our fears around communication the more we can heal our hurting hearts and enjoy life more fully.
If it’s going to be it really is up to me!