As I journaled this morning, I was trying to understand what was behind my reactions to certain statements I had read on Facebook (to paraphrase Ram Dass who once said if you think you’re enlightened go spend the weekend with your family of origin, if you think you’re enlightened just scroll down your Facebook or Twitter feed). I have to admit it is truly humbling for me because I often find myself having micro reactions and sometimes macro ones, so I am not in danger of thinking myself enlightened any time soon.
It does however provide me with lots of grist for the mill so to speak. I get to see what I react to and what I don’t on any given day so I can get a better handle on where I really am in consciousness. As I said, humbling.
So, there I was exploring my reaction, wanting to ‘get to the bottom of it’ so I could do something about it. I came up with a number of things like jealousy, wanting to be right, etc. but I couldn’t help feeling there was something else beyond that. I wanted to find the ‘key’ that made me react from that personality I was writing about yesterday. I soon stumbled upon the same ‘key’ I keep find behind these reactions, specialness. Ugh… I know this one inside out, yet I still manage to trip over it constantly.
I first became aware of this oh so human need when I was doing A Course in Miracle work many years ago. Since then, I have come to understand how deep it runs and how it is behind so many of the less than stellar behaviours and reactions we have to life events. Sometimes we try to get the need met by being especially good or good at something and other times the old pendulum swings in the other direction and we get it met by being especially bad or feeling particularly victimized or just having life worse than anyone else. Either way, it’s a favourite tool of ego (personality) because it is so darn seductive; there’s lots of juice in specialness. Trouble is, it’s a bit like crack cocaine and the high doesn’t last long nor is it any good for our overall health and wellbeing. Nor is it aligned with our Divine Nature; it’s deeply rooted in separation consciousness.
Here’s another interesting tidbit about specialness, it’s really easy to see ourselves as especially flawed when we become aware of it! Perfect! Let’s just keep feeding that puppy. Or not, the truth is it is part of the human condition, we all have to deal with it all the time whether we are aware of it or not, so there’s nothing very special about it after all.
Best way I’ve found to deal with it (yes that same old process): notice it, feel it with tons of compassion, let it go and surrender. I know I sound like a broken record but I just haven’t found anything yet that works better to set me free. I’m still open to other methods but until I find it, I’m going to keep repeating myself, mainly because I had to hear it a lot before I finally got it (at least to the degree I have).
Life never ceases to keep me entertained that’s for sure!
Namaste
