I’m an explorer. I love to explore the inner terrain of consciousness to find out what makes me tick. It’s no end of fascinating even if it does get pretty rugged and feels kind of perilous at times.
Being dedicated to total self-honesty is one of the most challenging aspects of this investigative work and it sometimes requires a great deal of persistence. I’m reminded of some of the interviews or interrogations we watch in all those crime shows on TV where the investigator knows they aren’t getting the truth from their suspect, and they use all kinds of tricks to get there. Kind of feels like I have to be a little tricky myself sometimes because I don’t much care for some of what I’m hiding which is no doubt why it went into hiding in the first place. There’s usually a wee bit of shame around it making it particularly challenging when it’s something I’m really not proud of or that goes against my principles and values.
One such adventure unfolded in this morning’s journaling. As you may have surmised, that’s one of my favourite methods of getting to the truth under all my obfuscation. And no, it isn’t all about the stuff I don’t like about myself. Much of my journaling is full of gratitude and ideas I want to explore and the wonders of life. But when there’s something niggling at me, no matter how insignificant it may seem, I eventually stop and to a little probing work. So today it was about the way I tend to avoid certain people or even their posts on Facebook, etc. I get really uncomfortable and just want to get away from it or them. It usually isn’t about anything major, and it’s gone on most of my life, so I just haven’t paid a lot of attention to it, you know, the stuff we’re so used to, we don’t even notice it.
On closer inspection however, I observe it’s usually a place I’ve closed my heart after a perceived slight of some kind. When I really look though, it’s rarely if ever real, it’s me projecting some concept or hurt I’ve been carrying onto some innocent person I’ve encountered. Saddens me to say that because I’d like to see myself as being beyond that, good old self-image, but I’m clearly not. Funny how the bigger hurts get dealt with far more readily, but these little things just get put away in a dark corner and fester until I take them out into the light of day and see them for what they are then let them go. This activity is always followed by waves of gratitude and compassion and love which reminds me what awaits me when I’m not blocking it.
It’s like housework; it isn’t always fun, but it sure feels good when I’m done.
Namaste
