Had a great session with my Spiritual Director today. One of the things that came up for me was going deeper into bringing more of my authentic self to the table when I am having conversations especially in groups.
I often feel uncertain of what to say when I am in a casual group of people just chatting about whatever. I tend to have a hard time focussing in if there is more than one conversation going on and I get concerned about some people doing all the talking while others don’t seem to be given much airtime so I’m always kind of scanning to see what’s happening and so I’m not really present in any one conversation. There are also times when I don’t feel I belong or that my point of view may be too radically different from the group’s or I just don’t connect with what is being discussed, especially if it’s small talk or complaining.
This has always been something of an issue for me (except the complaining, used to do plenty of that) which is why I don’t care for parties or unstructured time in a group. I love workshops or one on one conversations but often feel kind of dissatisfied after unstructured affairs.
There’s a sadness in my heart when I think about this, and I know it’s related to childhood stuff. I’ve done lots of work around it and I also know there’s more loving presence required and more letting go to do. Time to shine more light in those dark corners. And that’s ok, it’s all part of the journey and I’m grateful to be doing the work and constantly learning to allow more of my authentic self to emerge.
Namaste
