And the beat goes on… I’m not getting into social media and news so much these past couple of days, it’s just been too hard to hold the centre. Actually, yesterday I finally got in touch with a level of rage that has probably been brewing for some time but just below the surface of my awareness. I let myself feel it as completely as I could along with the feelings of helplessness and powerlessness that were fueling it and I’m feeling much more centered again.
As much as I do my best to let myself feel everything, there are still some things that it takes me a while to really open up to and rage is one of them. I have a lot of clever tools for masking but when I finally get beyond all those it feels good to just feel it all and let it go. I’m particularly grateful for all the contemplative practices I’m learning and working with that help me get in touch with what’s really going on.
This morning’s Lectio Divina practice was particularly eye opening and healing. The passage I was reading helped me to tell myself the truth about ways that I was covertly trying to make myself feel better by thinking that the way others were seeing things that I disagreed with were just wrong, letting myself think that mine was much better so clearly, I must be somehow superior. Yuck! When I sat with that not so pleasant awareness I could see where I had not been feeling very good about myself and that’s what was really behind these attempts at superiority. As I said, so many clever ways of disguising things I don’t really like to think I’m doing. The old self-image really likes to hang on but there are plenty of holes in it so the truth can eventually out.
It is so very freeing, getting behind the image to get to the truth. It’s all part of being human and that my friends has been the hardest thing of all for me to truly embrace. It’s an ongoing process but every moment of truth weakens the illusion and lets some light shine through, and I am very grateful for that!
Namaste
