Sometimes I feel like my head is exploding as I dive into the reading for my spiritual direction courses. Even though there is a familiarity to much of it, there is also an invitation to depths far beyond my current understanding of so many things. I’m so grateful for that, I love going deeper.
On that note I also had an interesting realization this morning as I was journaling (unrelated to the course). The other day our book club was discussing caregiving. To be honest, I have never seen myself as much of a caregiver, at least not the way I tend to define it as looking after people’s physical needs with selfless love. So, I didn’t say much in our discussions.
I love to watch the British series Call the Midwife. I cry by the end of most episodes. There is such a sense of loving, selfless care and acceptance which I believe to be quite rare in our world, at least to the degree it is portrayed in these shows. It opens my hearts in ways little else does. Of course, when I compare myself to them (always a bad idea) I fall way short. It isn’t how I would particularly want to live either but there is something else afoot…
The longing in my heart is what is so interesting to me. This morning it came to me that my mother was a very selfless, self-sacrificing caregiver raising the four of us on her own. She dedicated herself totally to that task. I rebelled big time when I hit my teens, and I never thought of it in this light before, but I think I suppressed the caregiver in me at the same time. I didn’t want my mother’s life, but I have always loved being in service to people in different ways. I don’t tend to see that as being a caregiver, but I think I have resisted truly giving myself over completely in the way that is right for me to serve because of my reaction to my mother and others when I was growing up.
I have no idea where this is taking me, but it is opening something up for me to ponder and to embrace.
Namaste
